Today's post is going to be a bit more personal, so if you are not in the mood for that, feel free to check back tomorrow for a giveaway! :)

I wanted to talk about losing weight. Touchy subject and I might get some backlash with this, but I don't feel like I should hide anything from you, so I decided to tell you a little bit about my background. I also think the more people know, the more I'll be encouraged to actually get off my butt and do something! So do leave positive comments – I really appreciate them.

Okay, lemme give you a little backstory. I was always the skinny girl. I used to be mocked for it in school. I never had to worry about food, or eating right, so I just ate whatever I wanted! I started worrying about my weight when I was in high school. At that time, I was 178 cm tall (5'9'') and I weighed 55 kg or 120 pounds. I was so depressed, I thought I was fat, disgusting, ugly. I literally have photos my friends and parents took where I'm staring at my tiny legs with such disgust it scares me. Girl, if you knew what you were going to look like in a few years, you'd probably strangle your future self – that's what I would tell me back then.

I never had an eating disorder, let me clarify that. I had an unhealthy relationship with my weight, there were days where I ate an apple, and then there were days when I binged like crazy. Still, I managed to stay at a normal weight and people often complimented me on my figure. When that happened, I laughed in their face and completely denied everything they had said or even made fun of it, I was so sure I was this disgusting, overweight creature.

As you can see, I was a very troubled person. I started taking medication – anti depressants, anti psychotics, contraception for my skin. Another touchy subject, eh? I don't know (or really care) what people think about medication, it helped me immensely and I don't think I would have a life like I do now if I had not taken it. By the way, I've cut down on my meds a lot and only take the necessary things now (yay).

Well, you know what's going to happen next, don't you? I'm going to tell you I ganed all the weight from the pills. That, and eating carelessly – the pills gave me a crazy appetite. Guys, in two years, I ganed 20 kg.

While the medication may have helped me, I was stuck with a body I didn't know, or even want. Somehow though, I didn't worry that much. Right now I'm too heavy but I love myself more than I ever did. Sure, there are days when I can't even look at the mirror, but compared to the self-loathing I felt as a teenager, this is nothing.

I am still at a healthy weight, but I do not feel comfortable or happy like this. I am in the worst shape – I can't climb a flight of stairs, I can't go for a walk. I can however, eat my weight in Ben and Jerry's ice cream, which is quite the accomplishment, huh?

So I've decided that I've had just about enough of my big butt, my unhealthy meals and my whining, which annoys everyone. I'm going to do whatever it takes to look the way I want. I'm really lucky to have my close ones' support with this, as they've known me for a while and have seen my weight plummet. But instead of not eating for a day, and then binging on cookies, I've decided to set myself with a plan to eat healthier, and to be more active.

I checked out a few plans online, like Weight Watchers, which basically charge you for joining. Why the heck would I pay for that? Instead I decided to join a free website for counting calories, I love the community on there – you can share recipes, motivate each other, it's just so much fun! You can easily find me on there with my username, which is not hard to guess & we can share our efforts! By the way this post is totally non-sponsored, I genuinely like that site a lot.

So I'm starting off on a diet of 1200 calories and trying to be more active. I cannot just sign up for a gym, as I would die of embarrasment – so I just decided to start with some yoga at home. I'm a complete newbie, but I found some cool workouts for free online, and I really can't wait to start with them.

I've started cooking loads and it is so much fun for me. I love making meals out of scratch. I would love to share some recipes with you, if you are interested, do let me know. Any tips, recommendations, any opinions are really welcome. I would love to hear from you. I have to point out I am far from a professional, I am just a girl trying to get healthy on her own.

Let me know if you'd like to see more posts about losing weight & updates. Oooh, and if you want some inspiration, you can follow my Tumblr (or fitblr & fitspo, as it is apparently called *giggle* still cracks me up) here:

Wish me luck!